Today I'm a spy. Nobody knows I'm a spy, but that's what makes me so great. I can spy on them without them even knowing.
"Josh, stop staring and eat your muesli."
Muesli muesly moozly. It tastes really bad. I bet James Bond's parents never made him eat crummy moozly. Besides, it might be a trap. Yeah. A trap. I bet that's what it is. There's poison in my stupid crummy moozly, and the baddies put it in there to get me. I'd better test it. How can I test it? What can I use? I know! I'll get Trixie to test it for me! Trixie's the best sniffer hamster in the whole entire-
"Josh! Get your cereal out of the hamster cage!"
"But Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"
"Enough. Go and get your things ready for school."
But I don't want to go to school. Oh well. At least I didn't die from eating gooey yucky poisoned stupid crummy moozly. I bet nobody ever tried to make James Bond go to school. I'll sneak up the stairs into my room. That way the spider spike pit traps under the second step won't get me. I'll run across the hall really fast and into my room. My room is the coolest. It has posters on the walls. And lots of secret hidden spy gadgets that nobody knows about, even-
"Josh! Hurry it up! I'm getting in the car!"
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait wait wait mum!"
"Two minutes, Josh. Two minutes."
Two minutes is easy. I can save the world in two minutes. I can save the whole entire everything in two minutes. I'll put on my rocket boots. I can fly anywhere with them, I use them to get away when there are load of bad guys after me. Bad guys in masks, with guns. And those funny striped shirts. I wonder why they wear them. If I was a bad guy, I wouldn't wear one, because then I'd be able to tell I was a bad guy, and I'd stop me with my cool gadgets. But I'm not a bad guy, so that's okay.
"JOSH. CAR."
I'll run down the stairs, and use my jet pack to jump over the trap step,and fly out into the car. But I'm out of control! I'll get the door open and crash land-
"Back seat, Josh."
-safely on the back seat, which Mum says is the safest, for if we crash. Especially if the crash is caused by aliens! Or monsters or something. That's cause they always eat the driver first, which is why being in the back is safer.
"Right, Mum?"
"Right what, Josh..."
"Right the back seat is safer if we get in a crash caused by aliens too!"
"Of course, Josh."
I can see out of the window. Tim's house is near here. Tim is my best friend. Mum calls him my partner in crime. Which is silly, because mostly we fight crime. Mostly.
...
Now I'm at school. Mr Fitz is teaching us Science. But it's boring Science. Not like the kind of science you need to blow up the world, which I need to learn, because so I can spot it to save everyone when someone tries. Or maybe so I can do it myself. I haven't really decided yet.
"Josh. Pay attention please. This is important."
I bet its not. I bet he's just saying that to stop me drawing on my-
"Josh! What have you done to your Science Folder."
-science folder. Not that it'll be any use anyway, when I'm saving the world. Or blowing it up. I haven't decided yet, you see. Problem is, you need somewhere to stand while you do it. I might stick to saving it because its maybe easier.
"I won't have this kind of nonsense in my class! Drawing, indeed! Science is Important!"
I look up and give him that squinty look that Mum gives me sometimes when she doesn't believe what I'm saying.
"Don't you pull faces at me young man! You, you..."
His face starts to all red like one of those beet roots I have to eat because they're good for me. Even though I don't like them, partly because they taste funny but mostly because they're a funny colour and they make the rest of the stuff on my plate a funny colour and taste like urk. I don't even know what a beet is. Why does it need roots anyway? If roots are so good for me, I bet they're even better for the beet. I'm sure the beets need their roots more than me.
His face is really funny now. Maybe I should stop being squinty.
"You are going to see the headmaster. Right now."
...
"Now Josh, would you like to tell me why Mr. Fitz has sent you here?"
The Headmaster has pointy bony cheeks and those really big glasses which my grandma wears when she's doing crosswords. I don't know why old people like crosswords so much. I mean, my grandma does and my grandpa does, and I asked Tim the other day and he said that his grandma does too. I reckon it's because they hypnotize you, or maybe aliens come to take your brain and swap it for a crossword puzzle solving machine, and maybe that's why Tim only has one grandma, because they lost her brain-
"Josh?"
"Well, I was in class and Mr. Fitz was really boring and none of the science was even that science-y, I mean, there were no explosions or crystals or bubbly green stuff or anything! And anyway, I had to keep a look out for spies."
"Josh, there... there aren't any spies. You need to learn to behave in class, and to stop pretending and focus on what's really, well, real."
He doesn't understand. He'll be just like Mum and Mr. Fitz and all the others. They never know. There's all this interesting stuff everywhere and they never see it. They tell me to be sensible and to stop lying and to stop pretending.
And just because I'm pretending doesn't mean it's not real.